History: 2010 Facebook Rant on Sex Ed

This 2010 Facebook Rant (in response to something …) inspired me to dig out the beginnings of this book (from many years ago) and get to work on finishing it. Some things take time.

Ok. Read and laugh. I did. But can we also get over it? Not that I don't feel an odd dread every year when we began sex ed with middle schoolers. It IS tricky to talk about such a private thing publicly; it is tricky to translate a complex world of experience and information into language that works for people who generally, at the moment, have relatively limited experience and an unknown amount of 'information'. But that is what teaching is all about, right? That's what parents do. So figure it out. Think about it. THINK about it. Think outside of what you were taught!  How do you explain other complex things? Break them down into their more basic parts. If we break sexual relationships down into human relationships - we all know quite a bit about those. But if we think sexual relationships are primarily about sex then we stumble all over ourselves because we think we have to talk about genitals. STOP TALKING ABOUT THE PENIS VAGINA part (ooooo I feel a rant coming on). STOP TALKING ABOUT MAKING BABIES. That is so 1950s. I'd really rather call sex ed "How to Make Love".     So with your kids, talk about the relationship part. Talk about how you're friends with some people and not with others; that maybe you laugh a lot with one friend and always talk serious stuff with another. This reminds them they have skills and choices in building relationships. And that they at least have some experiences of consent or not. Then talk about how bodies change during puberty. This is a big deal. Maybe they're already experiencing this new 'attraction' stuff. Maybe they're not. Talk about that. (that's not so difficult, right? its like magnets). Talking about puberty plants the idea that "things will change between now and then." Acknowledge that right now the whole private parts touching each other does sound kind of gross since generally kids' associations with genitals is for peeing, right. So... umm... ewwww. De-emphasize the whole baby-making thing! 

Talk about relationships. Talk about puberty. Then talk about attraction. Talk about variation in who people are attracted to (so if your child happens to notice they are feeling the magnetic pull towards people most of their friends are not talking about feeling the magnetic pull toward, they'll be able to talk to you about it.. maybe). You can mention some people may not feel the attraction thing at all. THEN you've established a context for..."when people feel close to one another they want to touch; touching is wonderful, right? (rocking babies, holding you when you hurt yourself, affection between friends and family). And sometimes people enjoy touching particular body parts as part of feeling attracted to each other. And then you can talk about LOVE. You can tackle the language we use .."having sex", "making love". What's the difference? And if anywhere along the lines they ask "but where do babies come from?"....then by all means tell them - but they already know - they're just checking because they trust you. So be cool about it. Put it in context. Stay matter of fact. Be boring even -  because then they'll be able to tolerate asking another question. Which is REALLY what you want. The last thing you want is information about sex locked up in a plastic box in the attic. How do you think we got into the mess we're STILL in?         

We are talking about how to build a strong nourishing relationship with another human. Sometimes those relationships involve genital sharing, sometimes they don't. Sometimes those relationships won't be much about love or intimacy but simply about sharing pleasure. Talk about that. Tell them your opinions and your hopes for them. Sometimes those relationships have the capacity to create babies - those folks will need to learn how to prevent/allow this to happen. But really. It is about sharing the joy of intimacy and touch as foundations for strong nourishing relationships - which might or might not involve what we might call 'sex'. (if by 'sex' you mean penis/vagina intercourse).  Information about sexual activity is more than available online, right. But we can talk about relationships and sexual intimacy in a way that gives them skills for navigating that complicated world.  We don't have to start these conversations with body parts and babies! That is all (for now).